Call It What You Want

I dunno if i want to make this about pet peeves, how i think, my flaws, what, i think, are my positives, i dunno . . its all gonna be jumbled up in this therefore providing me with the above title, lol.

I realized the other day, I'm constantly thinking. Constantly, I'm typing this up now and thinking of my next blog. My mind works weird as fuck, for example:

I was driving and slipped in some black ice, my car lost control and began to perform a 360 on Foundry St. (right outside of rams head) While I was on the 180 degree I thought the following things: "Fuck!" "Chill out, turn the wheel with the car so I can regain control, let off all pedals, if I hit something turn this bitch to the passenger side or the trunk, call Allstate first, call parents, get ready to call boss man tell him ima be late or not coming, don't let my best friends/girlfriend know until I'm out of the hospital and home safe, ok i got control . . "

I couldn't even lie about that, that's really what went through my head . . I didn't want to tell my friends/better half because I know, for some odd reason, more people than I thought really care about my well being and with the already mental stress of getting a rental, what money I need to come up with to get the rental, getting to and from work . . my most stressful thought would be to make sure I look ok, so my friends won't worry about me. I hate when ppl worry about me, because while yall are worrying it hinders my strategy of getting out of whatever bind I'm in and I hate to see concern on my loved ones faces. I care about yall more than yall would ever know . . i kno i don't show it alot, but it's because I think if i show too much appreciation/love towards yall someone on the outside would/could see and may attempt harm. Harm doesn't necessarily mean physical, someone can talk shit and if I hear it then a side I really don't like to show will manifest into a physical form. (<--weirdo, i kno, lol). That and I was raised more to be on my own, moms had to work and pops wasn't necessarily around so I did a lot of growing when i was a tyke. Society calls my kind, latch-key kids and we get a bad rap . . I would like to be the poster boy of latch-key kids . . I turned out alright. I'm damn independent and sometimes that scares ppl close to me. I know when to ask for help if i need it, most of the time it looks like the world is against me but ppl forget . . I'm always thinking, i made plenty of strategies to get through agendas, and strategies on top of those strategies if the previous strategies fail. So to those that hear I may be in current financial bind or somethin wrong w/ the whip, or etc. The best motivation for me is for yall to smile and treat me normal. Hard i know, but it really does help.

Next topic

I keep to myself, I even have the look of someone who keeps to himself . . but I'm polite also. You'll catch me walking, hands in my pockets, head kinda low but i say hello when I make eye contact people. I'm a polite person, but if I have nothing to say, don't take it as an insult . . I have nothing to say to you and i'm terrible in small talk. I'd rather not do it, but I just sound ridiculously fake and I don't want to come off as a fake person. If I don't particularly care for you, i definitely won't have anything to say to you, but i'll still be polite. I mesh with some people better than others so while it may seem i'm being a dick to you, i'm really not I just have something to talk about with this person or this group of people. That goes for everyone, ask my parents, they'll tell you. I'll come home, say my hello's and if I have nothing to say i'll go straight to my room. My pops is still getting used to it, but he'll agree with me . . it's a learning process. (haha, ain't that right Brandi?)

Piggybacking off keeping to myself, it's a major change to how I used to act. I used to be the clown, the comic relief to group outings, so it's not uncommon for me to hear if i'm ok or why am i acting brand new? I've been around for 23 years now and i've always heard this phrase, it didn't make sense when i was younger, but being older and hearing it it makes a lot more sense. "Tale less; listen more." When I listen more, I see more as well. Therefore it kinda makes me a better person . . I can see through bullshit and educate myself more. I tend not to eavesdrop because I hate (MUHFUCKIN HATE THIS SHIT!) when people don't mind their business. If I want to drop my two cents in, i'll come in smooth with an excuse me, or ask if i can come in the convo, not just throw in my two cents and expect to be the savior of the conversation. Do that to some real folk and they'll nicely put me in my place (been there plenty of times, lol).

I was going to write more, but i'll save the rest of it for another blog . . I haven't wrote one in a week, i think so I wanted to just put some stuff down.

OH YEA! ight, so remember when I was bitching about losing my notebook? Found it, so this is my very public apology .

I'm sorry

There it go and there I go back to work, haha

Just Let Me Be,
Frank