Eyes Wide Open, Walking Into A Losing Battle

There's some days I wake up fine and some days I wake up with an agenda. To murder her feelings like she murdered mine. It's crazy, why would I feel that way? I mean, I understand WHY I would want to hurt someone who hurt me, but why do it if there's no W at all. It feels the only W I would gain would be in the battle. Like the battle would be the win, but in the end I'd lose so much more. So why go into it? There's some days I can wake up, pray, stretch, say what up to the elephant, brush my teeth, get ready for work. Other days I wake up and the fucking elephant is on my back.

It's an epic battle of my soul vs. my mind. My soul wants revenge for the piercing it received but my mind understands why it was pierced. Which gets my mind working wondering if my soul is evil originally or if this "light soul" I have is a front. Am I a good person or is it just a front? Am I really a bad person with a good person face? Wouldn't that make me worse? Or does that make me smart because I know how people can be? Questions are rushing through my head now that I have no answer to.


I want to get over this already . . I haven't been dwelling on this situation, but maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should take a day to myself and think this situation out. But what's there to think out? I tell myself to take each day one at a time. But what am I taking one day at a time towards? Is it getting over her? Is it getting over this situation? I fear that it's gonna be 365 days from now and I'm still writing about this same situation. That would mean I never got over her and I've been lying to myself all along right? I mean . . I think I'm over her, or is it I'm trying to get over this situation? Do I want to get over this situation? Sometimes I think, thinking of this situation keeps me close to her. But do I want to be close to her? Like even in the future, would I want to be with someone who blindsided the fuck out of me? I dunno what hurt more the blindside hit, the impact, or the healing process.


Do other ladies have a chance or will I compare them to her? Does that mean I'm not ready to date yet? I was never pressed to date or shit like that. My homegirl Alissa put some shit on twitter that spoke to me, "Being single only sucks when you need emotional support." I'm not really in need of emotional support, but I got to get something to shake this feeling off.


Like this morning, my soul was hungry for revenge . . starving for it . . but why? She and I are cool now, there's no beef . . so why ruin that and possibly ruin a reunion . . . but do I want a reunion? LOL, see the fights I deal with? "Commit suicide trying to read my mind." - Kid Cudi.
There's absolutely NOTHING to gain from hurting her, but why does my soul yearn for that feeling? How long can I keep my soul in check? That's what I'm really afraid of, when will my Hollow finally break through the surface and act recklessly. I'm a Capricorn and we live our lives by self discipline, so one can imagine the damage that will do if my hollowed soul came unrestrained.


It's in God's hands now but it feels like he/she's putting it on me. God's telling me to take it one day at a time but what I do with my passing days relies on my actions. On a positive note, I'm writing this which suppresses my Hollow. Listening to Donny Hathaway's, Someday We'll All Be Free, his spirit spoke to me.

Hang onto the world as it spins, around.
Just don't let the spin get you down.
Things are moving fast.
Hold on tight and you will last.
Keep your self-respect your manly pride.
Get yourself in gear,
Keep your stride.
Never mind your fears.
Brighter days will soon be here.
Take it from me someday we'll all be free
Keep on walking tall, hold you head up high.
Lay your dreams right up to the sky.
Sing your greatest song.
And you'll keep, going, going on.
Just wait and see someday we'll all be free.
Take it from me, someday we'll all be free.
Take it from me someday we'll all be free.
Take it from me, take it from me, take it from me.


Aight Donny . . I'll take it your word and listen to mine. You'll get it once you don't sweat it.

Thanks for reading,
Frank

Why You Mad Though?

Oooooooh, you mad huh? - Saaphyri Windsor

Probably the best quote from a reality show that actually stuck with me and meant something. I'm a solid person, physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. I walk the middle path, but I'm stationary on certain issues. On those issues I will not budge because it's my beliefs and/or I just don't want to do what someone is coaxing me to do. We all have people in our lives who try to get us to do something with them for their own hidden agenda. Don't get me wrong, there are people who really are being kind hearted and attempting to get you to join them on their agenda. The latter, unfortunately are a select few.

As a person, one must realize they cannot please everyone. It's impossible, we're all different and have different agendas. If one tries to please all these different agendas they'll eventually forget who that person is. Someone with no realization who they are as an individual is a truly sad person. If you have no idea who you are because you're trying to please everyone you'd rathers well put a leash on and take turns being every one's pet.

Learn to be a shepherd and not a sheep. Lead the pack and don't follow the shepherd leading you to do shit you don't want to do. If you do choose to follow a Shepard, make sure it's a real shepherd and not a wolf in shepherd's clothing. As time goes on, the wolves went from mimicking sheep's clothing to shepherd's clothing.

Someone is reading this and think it's impossible to say no to people, trust . . it's a lot easier than you think. "You wanna go here w/ me?" "No." "Why not?" You are allowed to ignore that person. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ASKS YOU A QUESTION, DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO ANSWER IT. You got to have firm ground somewhere, because if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for every guilt trip a wolf will lay on you. It's best to learn how to say no now before you're put in a situation where you get in trouble for guilt by association. People are gonna get mad when you disagree with them, as long as it took them to get mad, they'll get over it. If they want to stay mad, that's not your problem, let them stay mad.

Can't please em all,
Frank